A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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