And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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