I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
