I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
