all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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