Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
