I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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