Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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