he told me I talked like a deaf person
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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