y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
