Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
