I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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