Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He? As in you personified your dick?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
