thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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