I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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