I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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