so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
