Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
