please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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