Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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