he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
