FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
