i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
