He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
