mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize