Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
