Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
