My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize