put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
