things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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