you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
