we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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