I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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