If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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