Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
