And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
