Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize