Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
