I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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