So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
