I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize