so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
