If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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