i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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