I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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