Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We had to coat check the pizza.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
