I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
