R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
