I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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