this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So squirting runs in the family.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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