she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
