6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
