I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize