mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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