don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
time to smoke my breakfast
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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