If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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