I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
