Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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