Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
