i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize