never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
