If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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