Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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