i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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