Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Vodka?
Forever.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
